Beginning of March 2010

It’s been a good week – I think. Time is just flying by now as I look back at it. Sometimes the days themselves go slowly, but then when I realize what day it is I’m like “Woah! Wait, where did the week go?” I’ve been spending some time every few days journaling on my own. Not that it’s a big secret, but I’m hoping that by actually writing in my journal while I sit in the Cruiser and wait for people or sit between my classes, that I will be more prepared for coming back to the States. I’ve been reading some articles on re-entry as well. I’m trying to keep my expectations as low as possible – even maybe to a point that’s not too healthy of expecting people to be disappointing when I get back – so that I don’t suffer disillusionment with people when I come home. The one thing I know I won’t be disappointed by is my mattress!!! Sleeping on a Zambian piece of foam for almost 11 months has done nothing good for my back. I’m pretty sure I undid all the help Dr. Ted did when he tried to fix my back. Guess it’ll be back to the chiropractor for this girl when I get back to the States. I’m kind of freaked out already about stores in the States. I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle the dollar store – let alone a grocery store or Wal-Mart. The overwhelming choices and how people think they “need” all the things stores sells just really upsets me now. I get excited when we have fruit that isn’t squishy or soft in the wrong spots or doesn’t have wormholes! And that’s not to even mention the excitement of when they have chocolate or actual ice cream in stock! I also think I will be cooking a lot more when I get home. I think things just taste better when you make it from scratch. I no longer just want to drop by Sheetz or Wawa for breakfast/lunch/dinner. I’d rather make the fries and sandwiches myself – even the bread. J Not everything has turned out like I thought it would, but the dogs have still loved it even if I think it’s inedible!

I’m ready to come home – like I’ve already started to want to take everything off my walls and figure out how much weight I have in my things so I can know how many curios I can bring back. But I’ve stopped because I know it wouldn’t be good for me to sit around an empty room for 3 weeks. I know I’m going to miss this place terribly though when I do get back. I’m trying to come up with a handful or a dozen of three-minute stories so when I do come home I don’t have to repeat the same story over and over. I have a lot of writing to do before I leave - those stories and goodbye letters to people here and to reflect/evaluate my time here. I have grown so much during my time here and know that I will never see things the same again for better or for worse. I don’t take simple things like electricity and water for granted anymore. I think I’m going to want to walk everywhere I can instead of just driving down the street to the corner store. I’m going to want hours of uninterrupted time to just read and journal where there are no other sounds but the chirping of chickens and crickets and the random dog barking.

I have loved teaching here – to see the eagerness of students and as I teach seeing them become willing to open up about their lives. It’s disheartening to see so many adults here unmotivated, but then I have to look at their culture here and school system and it makes more sense. I have learned the truth in the statement that we are a product of the world we live in. The culture here teaches people how to behave as they become adults – what the accepted cultural norm. For better or for worse we are all affected by the world we live in. Christ calls us to be different than the world. I’m still figuring out what exactly that means. Here in Zambia it has meant to rise about the cultural norm of being lazy or accepting to be poor – to continue to be ambitious even when the social systems here do not motivate people to rise above their situation. The youths have this energy and life about them, but for most adults the system has pushed them down or held them back for so long that they begin to give up hope that working hard or trying to aspire to something will ever pan out. I pray that this next generation of youths here in Zambia will not lose their passion for life and will continue to shine the light Christ has put in each of them. One of the biggest things I’ve learned being here is the importance of self-motivation – not relying on other people to keep me in line or on task – setting goals and agendas for myself and then meeting them – of feeling good about what I do simply because God is happy with it and not having it be dependent on what other people around me feel about how I spend my time or what I do in a day. It’s been very stretching at times, but I know it is an invaluable lesson that I know God will use over and over again throughout the rest of my life.

I think my biggest struggle right now is this lack of drive that I feel. Every since I can remember I have felt a strong drive in a specific direction. When I was younger it was to be the best in school. Through high school it was to learn how to be a good Christian, to earn my own money working a part-time job, to still be the best in school, and to be the best goalkeeper in soccer. As I approached college it was to get into the best school for youth ministry and to play soccer. Throughout college it was to be the best in school and to work enough to pay my bills and save money. As I got into my job at COS it was to be the best student ministry intern and then associate. As I came to Zambia it was to be the best teacher/friend/counselor/aunt to the people God open doors to. Now as I come to the end of my time here in Zambia I don’t feel like I have a specific drive. It’s not that I feel unmotivated to do anything, but rather I don’t know what that one “thing” is I’m suppose to be motivated to do. I know I have a wedding to plan when I get back and that I will help Paul with the business, but I don’t know that I feel that drive to something. And maybe that’s okay, but it just feels strange to me. I worry that I’m going to miss something God wants me to do. I don’t know. I’m probably overanalyzing it, but that’s what I’m struggling with right now.